Read an excerpt from my first novel and tell me what you think. (TW)

radkin 1/10/2022 10:15 am 1497

TW: PRETTY MUCH SA , BULLYING, MENTIONS OF PUKE

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Cece didn't ride the bus, so I normally sat alone. The bus was crowded, jocks and cheerleaders in the back, emo’s and goth in front of them, art kids congregated in the middle and the front was for the elementary kids. As I walked down the aisle, I saw a familiar face. Brown messy hair, green eyes and a smirk painted across his face. It was Jace. I tried to avoid him,he was a womanizer, and if it’s not apparent he’s not exactly my type. “Since when did he ride our bus?” I thought to myself. I tried to hurry and get a seat, trying to avoid his gaze. I failed. “Hey Phoenix! Come sit back here!” He had a look in his eye, not kindness, like he was wanting something. I tried to pretend I didn't hear him, but a bubbly blond cheerleader got up and grabbed me by the arm dragging my back there against my will. She practically pushed me in his seat. I felt my anxiety build up, I hated these kids. They always bullied the emo’s, goths and art kids for being different. I saw Bryan Welsh and Stefannie George all but laying on top of eachother. Stefannie giggled, “She looks like a lost puppy.” her voice sounded high pitched, I decided she was annoying. I laughed dryly. “Well I normally don't sit back here.” Stefannie practically cackled. I felt an arm go around me and I immediately tensed up. “So, Phoenix. I was thinking about me and you…” his voice was sly and made my stomach turn. “What do you mean us..?” I said, with an aggressive tone that was not entirely intended. “Well, c’mon babe. You know you like me…” he turned my face to see his. I visibly cringed. He smirked, the look in his eyes became more clear. Lust. I tried pulling back from him, but he pulled me closer to his lips. I felt his breath collide with mine and immediately pushed him back. His head hit the window hard and I got up quickly. I felt his hand grip on my arm and pull my back down. “What’s wrong with you?!?” he screamed, rubbing the back of his head. He was still smiling. He let go of my arm and gripped my face hard and pulled his face into mine. I felt my stomach turn once again, more aggressive this time, and I knew what was coming. I felt it build up inside and then spew out of my mouth. All over him. I remember him cursing and me laughing, crying and embarrassed. I practically ran off the bus.

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Nov 8, 2022 1:28 pm

ITS SO GOOD WHUDHSJDHSJDH /gen

Nov 8, 2022 1:27 pm

I, actually love this! It's great so far, As for everyone's thing with the stereotypical such, Yes it is, but I think it actually makes sense, But, you should also make good cheerleaders and some bad emo kids because everyone's different yk? And, I read the comics and you said you had a hard time comprehending such, But because of that, It's really good writing that too!!, it's really well!, but I like to make some spaces in the writing too, so it's easier for others to read! (at least for me, because if it isn't spaced in some paragraphs, I get my words mixed up then I lose my place- not saying it was hard to read though!)

Another thing I liked was the NAMES. because every time I hear someone's writing it's the same old names, (not saying everyone is) so I really like the creativity in this book!! This wants me and I think others to read more of this book because of the hooks, the interesting writing, and the characters!, I already like the main character, Phoniex, and hate Jace.

Thats the summary I have to say, I love to hear more of this story!! And if you need any tips or are stuck, I'm glad to help! Because I'm such a fan of writing haha-

-Glitchy! blue

Nov 8, 2022 10:49 am

WOAH THAT WAS HELLA GOOD

Nov 8, 2022 9:18 am

AHHH ITZ ZO GOOD!!!

Nov 8, 2022 9:11 am

THIZ IZ SUCH GOOD WRITING in just that paragraph that actually made me really anxiouz oh my god that waz so good tbh jump

Nov 8, 2022 9:05 am

I NEED THE FULL SSTORY

Jan 10, 2022 5:43 pm

@V4MP1RE_GUTZZ: oh no its not th beginning this is the end of chapter 2- if you want i can send you the full story

also its still in its rough draft stage, i plan on changing my charcter design and sub-conflicts as i progress. i normally write out of the blue without like a set idea lol

Jan 10, 2022 3:39 pm

Dude i really like it 10/10kao cool

Jan 10, 2022 3:11 pm

also id say to make the whole cheerleader/fuckboy vs different kids things less cliche since it's very overused, often times cringey, n rly jus not as accurate at least in my perspective cuz most times we jus leave eachother alone, n shorten emo + goth to just alternative

but ur sentence structure is v v nice!!! thumbsup big grin

Jan 10, 2022 3:09 pm

hold on rewind, is this like the beginning or???? cuz id love to see how all this started n stuff