the wild ride of me getting locked out of the house

BuzzyBoy 4/16/2022 12:40 pm 265

a few months ago my basement flooded. we’ve obviously cleaned up the water since then but the furniture and stuff is still rearranged and it’s still a mess. my siblings and i have to clean the basement before sunday, but i’ve been the only one home leaving me to do it by myself. okay, fine.

i started yesterday and got a good process down: lock the dogs outside with food and water, check in them every couple of minutes, turn on the tv and blast bears in trees, switch between the many crappy vacuums we own and the carpet cleaner, and move to e furniture as i go. dusting and putting stuff away can wait until i’m done.

so i’m doing the same today and i go to check on my dogs. everything is fine blah blah blah until the last time i checked in them. i sit outside and play with them for a few minutes, unassuming if anything wrong and enjoying my life. so there are two back doors, a wooden one and glass one. i open the glass one, still unassuming at this point, until i open the wood one. it won’t open. it locked behind me. i’m stuck outside.

my first thought is to call my mom or brother. too bad i left my phone in my basement.

my second idea is to open the gate and just go through the front door. problem numero dos: i live on a busy road and my dogs are assholes. i can’t risk them running past me as i open it and potentially getting hurt. solution? fine i’ll just hop over it instead. here’s the next problem: i know for a fact the front door is locked. i brought in a package earlier and made sure to lock the door behind me. idea #2 is a bust.

grand idea #3 is to pick the lock, but i am unable to find a tool in the yard or the garage that would be successful in picking a lock. #3 is a bust as well.

a few nights ago i went to open my windows because my room is literally an oven. window #1 is still sealed with some kind of plastic to keep the heat in in the winter. window #2 we put the ac unit in in the summer so it’s not sealed, but it doesn’t have the screen on it and i didn’t know where it was. i remembered this, so i brought a chair over to window #2 and attempted to pry it open with a many tools to no success. i then remembered that i made sure to lock the window after i realized there was no screen .

okay fine. i’ll crawl through the bathroom window instead. admittedly this idea made me nervous. it’s broken and doesn’t latch, so it comes right down when you open it. this was my last resort because nothing else has been working. so i pull up a chair a try to find things to hold the window open wide enough for me to crawl through. i tried an empty gatorade bottle, big but not enough. finally i settle on a cutting board that is for some reason in my backyard? it holds open the window all the way but takes up a lot of space. i try several times to crawl through the window, both feet and head first. if i go in head first, i’m nervous that the window is going to come down on my head and i’m going to go out urban legend 2 style. i’m keep knocking into the cutting board to make it worse. i try feet first but there’s nothing for me the hold onto outside and pull/push myself. im still knocking into the cutting board this way. i try putting a styrofoam cooler inside the window so i can land on it, but i still have all the other problems. i’m also nervous that i’m gonna fall. if i go in head first i’m gonna smack my head on the tile. if i go in feet first i might smack my head on the chairs or bricks. too make this worse while i was attempting to go in feet first i lost one of my slippers. yeah i’m running around my backyard in pajamas and slippers like a maniac. to make things worse i’m also in my period and in pain.

clearly the bathroom window is a no go.

i put the screen back on the window and start rearranging all the chairs i moved back where they’re supposed to be. hope is starting to dwindle but i still keep looking for some way to get back into the house. just as im starting to accept that i won’t be able to break back into my own house like a badass, by dogs start barking and run to the side yard. i sprint after them, hoping they’re barking at a car. they are. my brothers home. i yell at him ove the fence and tell him my unfortunate situation. he comes instead and opens the back door for me. i thank him a million times, especially because he is saving me from the humiliation of having to deal with my mother. i clean up the styrofoam cooler and dirt i got into the bathroom before taking a shower. i also retrieve my lost slipper. i just scrubbed so much dirt off my body. dirt i only got on me to lose to a bathroom window.