7 Replies

So, reading all of the stories people have put on here so far made me realize how lucky I am... Let me explain because at first, you'd think I was very UNlucky if anything.. My dad is very abusive. There was one day when he found out that I wasn't a virgin anymore that he put my head to the stove.. I have a very big scar all over my ear and parts of my neck... that wasn't even the worst of things.. Anyways, I had been self harming for 6+ years.. Up until this January when I met the love of my life... he made me feel like I was worth something. I told my mom a few months ago about what I had been doing to myself... she had no clue... she's been so supportive lately. When I started raving, everything in my world just started fixing its self.. Every one needs to just find their thing that makes them happy and no matter how much you want to deny that it makes you happy and how much you don't think you're worth being happy.... do it anyways. You are not alone.

I have never cut, or done anything like that. I will however share when i was a freshman in high school i was at my wits end, i had few friends. The ones i did have I never shared with them my personal hell. From about the age of 4 till about 15-16, i was a victim of Incest and molestation. Looking back I don't know why my cousin did it, or what made him that way. It started out with bribes when i was younger and then moved onto threats and violence. As wrong as this is i was under the age of 10 i had a stuffed animal i loved to pieces and i slept with him every night, my cousin told me i was to do what he said or he would rip its head off I fought with him and my aunt punished him, by making him leave me alone, When my dad found out he yelled at me and slapped me. We had a mutual grandmother she caught us several times, because I had no clue it was wrong. She choose at first to do nothing, then she tried blaming both of us mostly me she never did anything to get him to stop. My grandmother put her daughter and her son first, then it was a toss up between my dad and uncle. Every time my grandmother did something for me she had a motive. Finally my freshman year of high school, the abuse got worse. I was ready to die. I finally one day packed one of my stuffed animals and went to school. I told some people because i thought something was medically wrong with me. Worst part, the school couldn't get a case worker to come talk to me that day, so they were going to send me back home. I told the lady in the guidance office, and a Dare officer if i went back home i was going to kill myself, because my parents assumed someone else was to blame for my issue. After the dare officer helped get me committed, i dealt with the cops, they came and spoke to me. They couldn't fathom it and when they spoke to my abuser, he said he did nothing. They told me they couldn't press charges, because we were so close in age, and it was he said, she said. My grandmother knew the whole time what happened and she turned her back on me, and choose to stick with her daughter. Since my hospital stay, i've not spoken to those people. I was put on medicine, against my dad's wishes. My dad when i was in middle school was always yelling at me, saying "what reason did i have to be sad or depressed" he always hated that stuff and tried telling me. "well you can see a shrink and be put on pills. and we can eat at home and not have money to blow" "or we can go out to dinner, and buy you those movies and video games you want"

guys... why? I dont understand. like seriously, not to be rude. but please enlighten me.

I've been cutting and suicidal for the past two years. I've attempted exactly seven times but either failed or I chickened out. I have scars along my left arm and, just recently, I started cutting my face. Yes I know it's horrible and disgusting but I see myself as being the ugliest disgusting person there is. I hate almost everything about me. Just recently my mom found out I was cutting and she threw a fit and screamed at me. telling me how selfish and stupid I was. I've been doing the butterfly project and it has helped a little but lately I've been getting worse. I need someone to talk to. Like professional help but my mom keeps telling me it's a "phase" and that I'll get over it. I'm so f***ing sick of all this sh!t I want it to end but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to let down the people that DO care. My boyfriend, My Best friend, my little sisters and brother... But the longer I just sit here doing nothing about it the worse it gets. I listen to suicide silence and scream into my pillow to help. It does...a lot actually. Especially their song F*** Everything. Music and kandi seem to help a lot so I just sit in my room all day and make kandi while I listen to music. (I'm home schooled and I just moved on a tiny air force base where there are NO kids my age. so I had to leave all my friends and boyfriend behind) I've started having nightmares. At first it was just nightmares and waking up screaming but lately I've started seeing them when I'm awake. I sit and make kandi and I see something in the corner of my room watching me. I've learned to ignore it but then they started talking to me and I lost it. I became violent towards my younger siblings, hitting them when I was angry. I hated doing it but it was like I had no other option. My mind goes blank and all I hear is screaming. ... sorry for the long rant...It just felt good to get it out...